How To Ask The Right Questions
Our minds are simply not to be trusted. As Daniel Kahneman wrote in his book Thinking, Fast and Slow, we’re all at the mercy of a voluminous set of cognitive biases that distort our thinking: we routinely ignore evidence that contradicts our preexisting beliefs, we think anecdotally rather than statistically, we’re overly influenced by even brief messages that are unrelated to a question we’re asked to consider, and we routinely exaggerate the effect of changed circumstances on our future well-being, to name just a few of the ways our thinking goes wrong. In short, it’s amazing that we ever get anything right at all.
But we do. Despite all the ways our thinking goes wrong, many of us still manage to lead successful, happy lives. What explains this apparent contradiction? Two things: first, though many of us may find happiness despite operating under the influence of cognitive bias, the less influenced by such biases we are the happier we’re able to become (acting and reacting to the way things are rather than the way we mistakenly believe them to be leads to better decision-making, for example). Second, many of us have discovered a simple technique that reduces the influence of our biases and employ it regularly: we ask questions.
It’s not that we’re incapable of escaping our biases. It’s that it takes effort to do so. Fast thinking, according to Kahneman, which is easy, is also hugely biased. Slow thinking, which is hard, is less so. One key to engaging in slow thinking is to constantly question the conclusions of our fast selves.
Not that it isn’t hard. And not that I’m recommending we question everything. That wouldn’t only be utterly exhausting but also entirely unnecessary. Instead, I’m offering the same advice I offer to physicians-in-training: avoid the danger of coming to early closure when considering a symptom complex by always asking yourself what else could cause your patient’s symptoms when getting the right answer matters. (This is the great advantage to practicing in the direct primary care model: direct primary care physicians have time to keep asking questions.)
Asking myself the next question is a technique I’ve found helps me reduce the influence of my cognitive biases. By slowing myself down and challenging my assumptions, holding fast to the idea that what I think is the obvious answer may not be, I often find flaws in my reasoning that weren’t at first apparent. It’s a laborious process, but if I want my conclusions (and therefore my actions) to have the greatest chance of being good ones, there’s no other way to go. Luckily, I like reexamining my thinking (I don’t so much like other people doing it, I have to confess, so I try to do it for them).
The benefit of this method is that it’s simple, mostly (though not entirely) obviating the need to recognize just which biases may be tripping us up. The key is having the attitude that the faster we come to a conclusion the more likely it is that our biases have brought us to it and therefore the more likely it is to be wrong. Once we think we have the right answer and are done thinking, we need to ask ourselves if there are any considerations we’ve left out, if there are entirely different ways to think about the question before us, or if the answer might not be something else entirely, even the exact opposite of the one we’ve accepted as true. For when we pause to question our first assumptions, they often crumble like a house without a foundation.
One thing that helps is maintaining a continual, healthy dose of skepticism about everything. We should be especially interested in questioning ideas everyone accepts as unquestionably true. It may require a certain amount of scorn for peer pressure, as well as a willingness to be wrong oneself—but being wrong oneself has a hidden benefit: it teaches us to cling to ideas loosely. Even though we can’t prevent ourselves from becoming overly attached to our own ideas, if we make a habit of remembering that everything we think may actually be wrong and fight to prevent ourselves from becoming too invested in being right, we can keep our minds open to the process of continually questioning everything. Though life may be too short to do this all the time with literally everything, it will help keep us open to doing it when we should. Because to dismiss even a modicum of doubt without exploring it fully may just be to cheat us out of discoveries that lead to improvements in our lives we hadn’t imagined were possible.
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Besides thinking slowly and asking questions, I would add a third element, “focused listening.” The way I achieve this is that if at all possible I make written (or in the alternative, mental) notes about questions I have, but I reserve asking them UNTIL the end of someone presenting (a story, observation, narrative, what have you). I try to limit interim questions solely to those needed to be answered to follow the speaker’s presentation.
I would say “focused Listening” in the cousin to “slow thinking.” And in this argumentative world, it takes practice and patience and I know I fail from time to time, especially when the speaker is absolutely closed-minded to ideals that I hold dear. I have more work to do.
EXCELLENT, and certainly true in my case. Now, how about some thoughts on listening without bias!
Thanks for making the (IMHO) excellent and important point that asking the right questions is important primarily when getting the right answer matters.
Sometimes it doesn’t. And sometimes, letting go and listening with my right brain does a better job, allowing me to attend to things that my left brain would not have factored in.
Hi, it is very useful training. I usually say that mental health needs to be fit as well as body what hardly do anybody argue about. The more slowly we take one decision the more wisdom these be.
Thanks, great recommendation.
A very moving post. I used to think I was a good listener, but then I realized I wasn’t listening to my very talkative sisters, just thinking of what I could say if they let me say anything. I’ve made much progress in expressing my needs/opinions and now am focusing on listening to others. It’s amazing to me that many of the people I talk with take over the conversation. The skepticism idea is relevant to me. I’ve been working a lot on not taking others’ comments personally. I can be skeptical of what I think of others’ comments.
I’ve thought about this post for the last week and have re-read it several times. I am not particularly intelligent and feel somewhat intimidated in voicing my opinion. What is missing is HOW to slow down and listen better. What is the barrier that stops brilliant listening or asking “spot on” questions? I believe our own itches, uncomfortable shoes, a bad hair day, worry about getting home on time, being able to afford the rising gas prices, that our hair needs cutting, the room is too hot/too cold, it’s pouring out and no umbrella, that light is too bright, he has such bad breath and oh my feet hurt. We are so distracted, HOW the heck can we communicate at all? In order to ask the “right” questions it is necessary to declare a personal temporary vacancy of your surrounding irritants. Now that’s where meditation is supreme! However. I do believe in “gut” reactions. And that too much skepticism can turn into cynicism. OK for me, right now. Enough thinking during a quiet night shift. Starting right now my next 2 hours will be frantic, so hope I can think, hear, listen and do all at the same time with excellent communication! 🙂
I had to laugh at your comment about not liking other people re-examining our own thinking, but very much enjoying the process ourselves. I definitely related to that. After spending the entire holiday weekend with my sister and mother, who have no problem challenging my thinking, I had to repeatedly recognize and manage this urge to bristle and become defensive, and gracefully take their (sometimes accurate) suggestions. What a wonderful gift to have family that will just “say it as it is”. 😉
False starts teach you to get outside the well and think of things afresh rather than follow your raw instincts and ingrained beliefs. But my experience is that you better keep your thinking and logic to yourself unless you are comfortable with being a messiah, especially if your thinking goes against the accepted beliefs within the well. Better you follow your perceptions quietly to their logical conclusions.